Not really sure where to begin or even if I should bother. Last year was a living nightmare and things are still far from wonderful. I cannot really complain but I do think that explanations are needed.
When Daddy was in Papworth Mum found friends she never even met and became friends with some truly remarkable people, but on the whole Mum sat by Dads bedside alone and scared. Instead of support and offers of help from other people Mum and I received veiled threats and abuse, constant grief and hassle from all angles. Mum even had to go to the police about a couple of things and that is why I stopped my writing. Even as I type this I am wondering who will start banging their gums and sending vile messages but life only gives you one shot and I will not be bullied by spineless idiots who are old enough to know better. Bring it on!!!!!! So what on earth has been happening you may well be wondering, has Dad recovered from his illness or has his PTSD been cured, if you are sitting comfortably I shall begin. Dad came out of hospital still extremely poorly and struggling to eat or drink, every four or five days he was readmitted and this went on for about two months. On the plus side Dad went to the amalgamation of his old regiment and went to Twickenham with two of his sons. Mum and I did not get an invite even though we both like the game played by men with odd shaped ..... On the negative side Dad and I are drifting further and further apart, he hardly speaks to me and I cannot do anything he actually approves of anymore. I love him sooooo much but I honestly think he woke up hating me, whatever I have done I am sorry but I miss having cuddles and Daddy Daughter time. Guess it is time to build myself another bridge get over it and then put yet another barrier up. I know Mum is hurting too she never smiles anymore and even when she says everything is ok I know it often isnt, Months of pneumonia meaning that Dad was backwards and forwards to hospital with Mum spending all her time with him, 2015 was a living hell. I had hoped that by Christmas all would be good, but I got that wrong too. Christmas morning Mum and I went to sort the animals out, got back to Dad being really nasty snide digs and moaning - Mum did what she does best these days walked out of his sight and cried Christmas Day evening was spent in A&E, Dad had plurasy and I was passing blood after being in a car accident a few days before. Mum was just a goffer between the cubicles. Ok so college ended a few weeks ago and I passed my course, but not only did I pass my course I got a distinction woooooooohoooooooo!!!!! Our two Suffolk mares Issie and Rosie both popped out filly foals and both babies are doing really well. Alison says that Annie, Isabella’s foal is about 14 hh and she is only just two months old and I don’t think Annabella Rosie's foal is much shorter. We took Rosie and Annabella to their first show at the weekend and neither were placed but they both behaved fantastically. Rosie wasn’t going to let Mum plait her but she would let me, even though I cant plait too well. Had a good giggle and I think daddy had a good day bonus!! It is days like this that I know my Daddy is still there but things have changed so much these memories must be treasured. Last week we went to a heavy horse auction and that was a good day too, Daddy got a set of shafts for £1 loads of chains and stuff and I bought a fert spreader and a set of harrows for under £50 result . Times like this Daddy almost smiles again but i know he is so so sad and sore wish I had a magic wand, also wish Mum had a car of her own because that is the biggest issues we have in the house. And the fact I haven’t passed my driving test and I really need too is also causing problems. I have decided that I am going to rent a farm myself if there is one out there somewhere that has what we need. Daddy isnt well enough to do too much and taking on a farm until he is feeling better is silly but the charity being stuck where it is has dragged mum and dad down. My job to help them back up me thinks. I have written to loads of places and maybe just maybe someone will read my article and say actually fred down the road has a place that is right up their street. What do you think Dear Sirs Firstly, please let me introduce myself, my name is Niamh Finlay Howe and I am 18 years old. I have just completed my Level II Diploma in Agriculture and desperately want to find a farm to rent but not just for myself. My step dad is a war veteran who served as a fighting soldier for over 20 years in the British Army, he is registered disabled now but has farming in his blood and loves nothing more than pottering around the farm, driving tractors or feeding the pigs. This year my step dad had the biggest fight of his life he suffered a Type A Aortic dissection and has spent the last three months fighting for his life. Thankfully he is recovering slowly but may never fully recover. Dad set up a charity about six years ago which offers homeless veterans medium term accommodation on a residential care farm and funded everything from his own pension. While he was in hospital our landlord has decided they are retiring and placed the farm on the market so we need to relocate and quickly. Dad has a dream to relocate the charity enabling him to provide shelter for more than one or two homeless veterans at any one time and be able to teach them farming skills. However, we have a huge problem finding a farm to rent that suits our requirements is proving impossible. I know that there must be somewhere out there and hope that we find it before my dad’s health becomes too poor to appreciate it. I want to farm the land and have a mixed farm with rare breed sheep, cattle and pigs and use our heavy horses to work in conjunction with modern machinery. The farm needs to have a three bedroomed house and a landlord that would be willing to let us place log cabins or static caravans on site to provide accommodation for the veterans in our care. We have a good viable business plan we just need a chance. I know that I am asking the impossible but really hope you would publish this plea and maybe find us our farm. We don’t even mind where it is from South Yorks to Cornwall or from the east coast to the Welsh borders. I just want to see a very special man fulfil his dreams as well as me being able to prove my worth as a farmer. Please, if you can publish my plea I would be extremely grateful and I do know that I am asking so much but want to see this wonderful man enjoying his time farming and helping other veterans. Many thanks As I said in my last blog this will be my last blog maybe for ever or maybe until I feel a little more confident about things. There has been so many ups and downs this year, with some wonderful things happening but some things I really dont feel comfortable about. If I tried to explain I may sound ungrateful or jealous and that really isnt the case.
Lots of good things have come out of Daddy being ill, he has started speaking to one of his sons and seen his granddaughters, mostly thanks to Mum asking him too. He has made some new friends and seen some old friends that he thought were just face book buddies now. I can never say a big enough thank you to all his friends for the lovely messages and the support they gave my mum. These lovely men and women havent even met my Mum, would have walked past her in the street and not known who she was, but they still sent her messages, prayers and were there for her through some really horrible times. Thank you! There have been some awful days too, seeing Daddy so ill, being threatened and feeling scared to stay in the house alone, knowing there are some really horrible people who want to destroy people even when the people they want to hurt have more than enough to deal with. Bullies are pathetic and that is all these people are. Well done you people, I hope you are so proud of yourselves and I really hope you enjoy your sad little lives because believe me, that is how you will end up sad and lonely. There is one thing that you should know, while you have spent years doing whatever it is you do, me and my Mum have been there for Tony, we haven't missed a birthday, Christmas or Father's Day. We have been there everytime he is ill, help him dress, washed him, held his hand when he has been scared and helped him deal with his nightmares. You can all say whatever you want, bully me and Mum, but we will always be better people than you for that if nothing else. You have nothng on us, we can hold our heads high and if Daddy had lost his fight we would have had no regrets and can say we were there through thick and thin and even thicker. I have nothng left to loose now thanks to these lovely people, so this blog will say more than normal No idea what happened or why but my blog deleted this page and I had spent over an hour pouring out my soul Oh well, ,,,,,,, happens and things go wrong, I haven’t posted for a really long time as I knew that someone was watching my site and sort of cyber stalking me. Even though I am still worried this person hasn’t given up I am more bothered that they will turn up at the house, Need to move and fast as I really am scared living here now.
Dad went from being seriously ill on the 2nd March to critically ill and fighting for his life in Papworth hospital. Mum promised him as they were taking him down to theatre that she would carry out all his wishes, he had told her the music he wanted at his funeral, where he wanted his ashes and other things he wanted doing. She promised him that she would be at the hospital waiting for him when he can out of the op and would still be there when he woke up. The story is way too long to tell you everything but daddy went from sitting up to not even knowing who he was overnight. Mum's heart broke in a second and I still don’t know how she spent 22 hours a day by his bedside for weeks and weeks. She had no one to hold her hand and tell her it would be ok because we didn’t know if it would. She knew the problems she was facing with other people would be a million times worse if anything had happened and worse still she didn’t know from minute to minute if she would ever see daddy awake again. Monkey stayed by his side from Peterborough till he came home from Papworth, but he didn’t go back for the other hospital stays in Hinchingbrooke after that, He is such a faithful cuddly toy. Whenever one of us are ill they get monkey to look after them. I think even he was fed up with hospitals my the time he came home. Monday 2nd March. A day that I will never forget and one that I think will haunt my Mum. Went to work, quiet day in shop then phone call from Mum saying need to come home Dad having stroke. Kelly the girl I work with drove to where Mum and Dad were and she then came back to tell me Dad was going down hill fast. Ambulance arrived after about 45 minutes and Mum came to collect me. Fetched Joe from college, which was funny cus neither of us knew where it was. Dropped Joe at home then shot off to the hospital. Sat for about an hour in the relatives room and really started to worry. Got let into resus to see dad he looked so weak and scared I just wanted to cry. Two strokes and a valve in his heart had also split.Really not well. Dear Daddy
I just wanted you to know......... When I first met you I was jealous of your perfect children, they were so clever and they seemed to have perfect lives. The hours you spent taking them on holidays, teaching them to count with jelly beans and even the Saturday morning that was time you made just to be with them. I was also afraid that you would hurt my Mummy or take her away from me. You let me join your life, took me on holidays, helped me with my homework and even taught me to shoot and drive. You let me become your little girl and share a piece of your heart. Thank you I know that I haven't always been an easy kid to deal with, I messed up at school, I started smoking and caused so much trouble it's untrue. I was a complete cow and thought I knew everything, thought that you and Mum were ganging up on me and life was so unfair. I was horrible and I am so so sorry. My real father wasnt very nice and I could talk to you about things that worried me, I would sit on your knee and have a cuddle and you would wipe away my tears when I was frightened or sad. You would watch me ride the horses help me build jumps or even come out hacking with me I hear you and Mum fight and scream just like an old married couple but I have also heard you both laugh, you make little things, like breakfast or will brush Mum's hair, you even took me out on a date. Me and Mum both know that you are poorly, she took you on knowing that you were a complete fruit loop, but that was ok. Your head was totally screwed up and your health wasn't too bright, you had a bad back, you had a bad leg, you were falling to bits, those things did not matter because you were my Daddy and I loved you. You have given us a couple of scares in the past and spent so much time in hospital that they all know your name but whatever happened you still always had time for Joe and me. Monday you scared me I heard the gurgling noises that you were making down the phone and heard Mum sobbing as she tried to talk to you begging you to hang on, I was at work calling an ambulance and tellng them to hurry up. When we got to the hospital you looked so weak and scared, it seemed like you would break. I have never seen you so ill and I really thought the one man that I could rely on, trust and the one man who would always be there for me was leaving. Daddy, I know that you are really poorly, and that you could have been in a wheel chair and needing help to wash, dress, eat whatever. That would not have mattered because I know Mum would never give up on you and I would have given up my job to help Mum look after you. After all you are my Daddy and have done so much for me I could never repay the love you show me but if washing and dressing showed you how much I love you that that would have been ok. I hate seeing you in hospital and know that you are still very ill, but I need you to know that I love you so much Daddy, I want you to hurry up and get better because I need my Daddy, my friend and a girl's first love. Miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much Hurry home, it is really odd watching normal things on TV, Huggles Puddly x x x x x x x Life at the minute is busy but that isn't a bad thing. I am doing my work experience, working and have a load of assignments to get done. Social life has gone out of the window a little but it isn't for long.
Went shopping with mum and managed to get stuck in the Burger King toilets as the door would not open, mum got stuck too though. Had a tan but enough said on that, bought some clothes and started to have a clear out of my room. Been doing the horses for the week with Mum to help her out a bit, me and landi chugging up and down the lane filling waters, dropping off hay and generally playing in the mud. Yes, all good. Dad still flips at silly things but Spring is on the way and he knows he will get some answers over the next few weeks so he seems a little more positive. Every day I get more frustrated that there is nothing for our veterans and their families and have to put my thinking cap on as to what I can do. There are some things for him to look foward to which is helping, there should be a patter of tiny hooves later this year and I know how much that means to him; I also plan on going out to some shows and bringing back a rosette or three. If he is a good daddy, I will throw him on the cart and take him for a ride around the lanes, and the fact he may only have one leg just means I will have to prop him up. Lots of good things to look forward to. Well I am off out this evening to a young farmers party, after all - all work and no play makes Niamh a dull bunny Huggles Dad's birthday and Valentines Day all in a week. Started to go out with a really nice lad from College called Albert, went out on a date with Daddy the day before his birthday - and sent him a Valentines Card.
Date was good, we went into Huntingdon and had a Dad and Daughter meal at Bella Italia. Very nice though not great for my diet. Dad seems a little more positive, and the explosions are slightly less frequent so that is good. Hospital appointments for him are weekly and he will hopefully find out about his leg in the next few weeks Forgot to mention had a Christmas Prom at College, yep I actually wore a dress. Had a great night out with my girls, came home giggly and loved every minute. Had college the next day which wasn't quite so fun but all good.
January, more assignments and crop walks on fields that are not growing, not my favorite lesson but never mind. It was my birthday this month too, 18 years old so I had to go clubbing - friends were great company and had a great time. Came out of the club about 03.00am and there was a really drunk lad, the police pushed him into me and told me to take him home. What is this, blind date, urh no thanks. They didnt want to know that he wasnt with me and I had never met him before. Anyway I did my good deed, took his phone, got him a taxi, sorted his address, phoned a friend and told him what I was doing before loading him and his phone into his taxi home. All this after a night out and in a pair of high heels, oh, did I forget to mention I sometimes wear them too. Daddy's eye sight not good, struggling to focus on things and his leg is really, really bad. He wants his leg cut off, I sort of agree with him. Mood wise, hope to see a change in Spring, still every ten to fifiteen days. Watching two adults shout out of frustration then crumble into pieces all the time really isnt much fun. There was a kick of the evening before my birthday and I got really upset, especially as the atmosphere was frosty for my birthday itself. They both tried to pretend all was great, but I am not totally stupid, yes I am blonde, but not barking mad. It may sound like my blog is a dig at Daddy, far from it, I love him with all my heart and am planning on sending him a valentines card, he is wonderful and I love him to bits. I guess I want people to understand that they are not alone, Mum and me have each other when things are bad but we are lucky, Joe is always on his computer so never spends time with us as a family so doesnt notice what goes on, but must hear it. Dad can scream and shout at Mum and me then be all loved up to Joe so it really odd. Maybe that because we are not family, Mum is just his carer after all. Blood will always be thicker than water. I think I need people to understand, we as a Country need to offer help not ignorance. It is hard on everyone, especially the sufferer, but it is pretty grim for the families too. Why won't anyone listen, teach civilians that this is how some people live, learn to understand and help. A lady in our village wanted to phone the police when Dad kicked off a while back as she thought he would hurt Mum. Mum told me and I was shocked but thinking about it I guess Daddy being porrly and getting upset may seem scary to other people. No doubt the police would have come if Mum hadnt have explained that all ok and arrested him, that would have made things a million times worse, not better. Just wish people would listen to me, I want to do something and I need to do something but I am just a kid so who cares. Oh yeah, me! Dad found a new bike for Joe so that good, he does make this one seem small. Went out with the girls from the yard the week of my birthday and got a Frozen Birthday Cake, it was coooooool, Mum threatened to do party bag and even bought them, they had penguins on, but I am pleased to say, she didnt go quite that far. Saw my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin for the first time in years, guess loads happens when you start to get old and I bought myself a little car. Which wasnt the brightest of ideas as Mum and Dad have no idea what to get me for my birthday. Daddy bought me a Series 3 when I was 16 but Mum has nicked it, so a friend of Dads' was selling a little car and we snapped it up. Also bought myself a Massey Ferguson Jacket which I love, again a pressie idea that the oldies never got to think about. Was given the nick name at college as Massey with weights on the front so may as well have the jacket. Only boys could think of daft things like that. Anyway, as it was my 18th I thought I would add a second piccy of me in a dress, the night I went into town. December was very like the past couple of months, but we all know and understand that Daddy hates winter. Maybe it is his OCD as well but he seems to find fault with so much more. His leg is really bad and is cannot get out which makes things a million times worse. I cant imagine being stuck in a house looking at four walls for days on end so I can only think it will drive him bananas too.
The mood swings are still really bad as I have said before you can see them creeping up every ten days or so. It doesnt help that Mum snaps back, if she ignores him he will rant and go quiet but it does blow over quicker. Adults who would have them. Daddy has a great memory but seems to be forgetting things we tell him over and over and even forgets what we have watched, Mum will say to me that she has seen this programme five times now, so she then comes to my room and has a cuddle watching girlie stuff and a giggle. Do love my Mum but she never listens to my good advice. Hehe! Christmas was good, quiet but nice, the horses all had a sack of carrots each and a bale of hay for Christmas Dinner. Treats were also on the menu. Our traditionhas always been get up,open stockings, then feed dogs, cats and chickens toddle off to the horses, I have been known to ride before giving them all a net of carrots each and a bale of hay they usually have parsnips as well but Mum was slacking this year. Go home and start Christmas. This year was a little different. The horse in the next field had taken out all the fences and was in our field, so Mum and I spent three hours repairing fences, filling waters and then feeding. Came home cold and fed up, got a bath, back into our PJ's and pretended we had just got up. The minor fact it was nearly time for Christmas Dinner was just a small fact. The day was good and I think everyone was happy with what they got. Had my Nanny Brenda over for Boxing Day, she has mild dementia, but we love her to bits. I know that my Aunt can find her a drain because she forgets and repeats herself, but that is all part of getting old or being ill. Daddy, bless him does the same but it doesnt mean he is different or wrong or bad. He is still the loving man who would do anything for anyone if he could, who loves his animals and thinks the world of his children me included. Yes he is grumpy but he is a man and yes he is poorly and not getting better but that isnt his fault either, so when he shouts and Mum shouts back I back off but do like to remind her she took him on knowing he was a fruit loop. She agrees has a chuckle and tells me I am wise. It has been good to have some time away from college as well, caught up on my assignments and helped as much as I could around the house. Spent New Years Eve and Day with my other Mummy and Dad Alison and Nobby down the farm. That was nice, the five of us cleaning out piggies before having a rost pork lunch on New Years Day. As we dont get to see Nobby and Alison over Christmas we had our Christmas Day at New Year, Joe had arranged to go out so would not have been home anyway, then changed his mind and spent New Years Eve watching films and chatting on Skype all night. He doesnt really like socialising and prefers his computer. Sometimes think me and Mum smell because he dashes off upstairs from sitting with dad when we come home. Note to self Must learn to wash more...... New Year's Day back home and back to normal in the afternoon. Back to college next week all is calm. Just hope that our luck changes in 2015 for the better. The weather is cold and miserable, to be honest so is the atmosphere in the house, ten days maximum without an eruption. You can predict exactly what is going to happen. Explosion with doors slamming, heads being struck against walls (Daddy's no one else) screaming and shouting from both Mum and Dad, then three or four days of silence, a day or two of edgey conversation then normal for a few, guess that is the calm before the storm again. And then booooooommmmmm!!!!!
I would not normally say too much but I really feel that I should this time. Daddy had a melt down begged to be taken into hospital, begged, totally lost the plot panicked and could not control the shaking, crying, etc. Mum phoned the Crisis team, they asked if she had a doctors referral, if not she would need one, even though Dad is under the Community Mental Health Team. Mum phoned the doctors, sorry nothing we can do, no appointments for three weeks. Mum wasnt too polite and said "shall I ask him to wait three weeks to try and kill himself then"; phoned a certain 24hr emergency helpline, while I was stopping Dad from grabbing the car keys, taking any more tablets etc. She ended up phoning 999 and asking for an ambulance. Why do we have to go through the ambulance service who are busy enough and are not properly trained to deal with severely mentally ill people. They are stretched enough and do not need to add to the pressure. Anyway, Mum and Daddy were taken to the hospital, Dad had managed to take some tablets but nothing much. He told the ambulance service that he needed to be sectioned. Everything anyone said was being confused and taken the wrong way. He was really, really, poorly, never seen him this bad and I have seen bad. Mum was in pieces. Kept phoning Mum who told me that they had put Dad in the relatives room and he would have someone come from the crisis team in Huntingdon later. Six hours later he turned up. Asked Dad who by now was calmer, but still really poorly how he felt and what he wanted to do. Dad said he wanted to go home so my neighbour and me went to pick them both up. That isnt offering the sufferer any help or the families. It is wrong so I guess I have another mission Keep my blog going, keeping pushing and maybe one day someone will listen. |
AuthorI am a normal teenager that has learnt to live with mental illness and want other kids who have similar lives to know they are not alone Archives
July 2017
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